5 Ways to Handle the Holidays

When a family member is in active addiction to drugs or alcohol, the holiday season can feel heavy with anxiety, guilt, and sadness. Instead of celebrating, you might be left wondering:

• How will your loved one behave when the family gathers?
• Will the holidays bring peace, or will they erupt into chaos?
• Why can’t your family have the “normal” holiday experience everyone else seems to enjoy?

The weight of addiction during the holidays can make it feel like joy is out of reach, leaving you with more questions than answers.

Celebrating the Holidays While Addiction is Hurting Your Family

“The most important thing is just to know that not everybody’s having a perfect Christmas,” says Clinical Therapist Aramy Denley, MS, LPC. “You may think they are, but that’s really an illusion.”

Denley and fellow clinical therapists David Carpenter, MS, LPC, NCC, and Kelly Ferguson, LPC, host weekly support groups for family members of those in addiction and recovery at Oxford Treatment Center’s outpatient offices in Olive Branch, Tupelo and Oxford, respectively. Here are their top strategies for getting through the holidays when you have a loved one struggling with addiction.

1. Adjust Your Expectations

The first step in navigating addiction within the family during the holidays is to release any expectations that everything needs to be perfect.

“Most of us have an idealized version of what the holidays are supposed to look like,” Carpenter says. “Huge spreads of food, ballgames, gifts, and all the things we as Americans have adopted into our culture. However, for the family suffering with addiction, the holidays may have ranged from uncomfortable to traumatic.”

Having a loved one struggling with addiction during the holidays can leave you feeling isolated. But the reality is, you’re not alone—addiction affects one in three households in the U.S. Every family has its own challenges, even if they’re not always visible.

“Families just want to feel ‘normal,’” Denley says. “Yet every family is dysfunctional at some level. And when you add addiction and mental illness, the holidays can be like a Griswold family Christmas—minus the comedy.”

2. Simplify Your Efforts

If you’ve been dealing with addiction in your family, you’re probably entering the holiday season feeling exhausted and emotionally drained. Instead of overloading yourself with elaborate preparations, consider focusing on the parts of the holiday that truly matter to you and bring you joy.

“That may mean making the homemade rolls but not the dressing and not getting out all the china,” Denley says. “You don’t have to make a big to-do and cook an expensive meal. Maybe you can just put out your favorite decorations and listen to Christmas music. What parts of the holiday actually mean most to you?”

3. Take Care of Yourself

When a loved one is in active addiction, their behavior may become self-centered in a way that can be harmful or even dangerous. At the same time, family members who are prone to codependency may find themselves revolving around that person, overly focused on managing their needs and behaviors. This dynamic is not only exhausting, but it also creates an unhealthy cycle that can be difficult to break.

“The paradox is, the better we take care of ourselves, the better our loved one will get,” Denley says. Consider what would lift your spirits this holiday season and make those things a priority. Avoid isolating yourself, and seek out opportunities to connect with positive, supportive people who can help you stay grounded.

“Go shopping and get something for yourself that would make you happy,” Denley says. “Or give yourself the gift of therapy. Having a therapist who listens to you gives you a chance to let all the bad feelings and experiences out, so you can start letting some good into your life.”

4. Set Boundaries

Worried your loved one will arrive at the holiday celebration intoxicated? Let them know in advance that they won’t be welcome if they’re under the influence. “Having an honest and open conversation with the person in addiction about what is and what isn’t acceptable protects the entire family system,” says Carpenter. 

Ferguson adds that setting and maintaining firm boundaries is crucial in encouraging a loved one to seek help for their addiction.

“I like the notion: ‘We will support your recovery. We will not support your addiction,’” Ferguson says, adding that the holidays are prime time to practice that approach. “Be positively selfish,” he says. “Protect your home from the chaos that comes with addiction, and do what the family needs to do to be healthy.

“Christmas is a special event, so don’t allow anyone the power to wreck that time. Make their presence conditional on their arriving sober before they can come in the house. Call the police if you have to. Just don’t allow their chaos to affect the family any more than it has to.”

5. Confront the Addiction

Having a loved one in active addiction can turn your holiday gathering into a pressure cooker. However, it can also present an opportunity to release some of that tension in a way that sparks positive change.

“For people who don’t see their loved one often, having them home for the holidays can open their eyes to how serious the situation is,” Carpenter says. “It can also be a good time to intervene—to sit the person down when you have the collective family together and say, ‘We can tell things are not going well. We love you and you need help.’”

In these situations, Carpenter recommends bringing in a professional interventionist or, at the very least, a therapist to help guide the conversation. The surge in addiction treatment center admissions that typically occurs in January indicates that many individuals are motivated to seek help either during or shortly after the holiday season.

“Part of that is, nobody wants to be in rehab at Christmas,” Carpenter says. “But the other part is they do hit bottom during the holiday season, and this is when the family finally confronts them.”

How Will You Handle Your Loved One’s Addiction this Holiday Season?

Do you need help knowing how to show love without enabling their disease? Join Oxford Center therapists Tuesday evenings at 6 p.m. for Family Hope & Healing, a support group offered at our outpatient offices in Oxford, Tupelo and Olive Branch. The meetings are free and open to anyone who has a loved one in addiction or recovery, regardless of whether they receive treatment at Oxford Treatment Center.